Hello, new gamer. We here at UnixEnix are proud that you've decided to put your life on hold, for the next few years at least, and purchase our newest addition to the Orcfest game family - Orcfest 3: Shadows of Foggy Doom!
We are very confident that you will enjoy hours of non-people time, engaged with others through a greasy, smelly headset. I'm sure your backlog of trash-talk and assumptions that the girl on your team is really hot, is building up inside you.
We hope you have installed the game correctly. The countless hours it takes to install can be spent: waiting, listening to your Ipod, eating junk food, playing X-Box, or other things which we don't care to mention in a family setting. Since this isn't a family setting... we know you were probably "rubbing one out"!
The images on the screen, as it's installing, were concept art that we deemed too impressive to be put into a 32 bit game. You will not see these images in the actual game, but you can pretend they happened to your character sometime before Level 1, probably Level -3?
After it's ready, be sure to set up your account. We charge a monthly service fee of $16.99. This includes saving of all information, including how goofy your character looks and all the useless crap he/she collected throughout the game. Here at the office, we randomly pull up characters from players and... oh, how we laugh!
So, now it's pick a character time! Don't always go for the cool looking ones immediately, sit and think. Try all the hairstyles and facial hair, including all the colors which don't actually occur in nature. Pick a class that reflects your personality. Are you a loner who likes to think of ways to fool the clerk at Walmart into selling him a handgun? Maybe, an evil Magic-Abuser is more your style? Are you a nerd who constantly gets picked on by bullies? Try the Uber-Paladin. Are you a pimply, oilyhaired, granola chick? Druid!
So, once that's accomplished, it's off to Level 1: The Spire of Carfax. This introductory level will test your mettle and see if you have what it takes to get to the final stage: Foggy Doom!
You should be Level 10 by the end of this part of the world. If you're not, just keep killing Bratbeetles until you are... probably take you 2 or 3 days, since they're only worth 32 experience points.
When venturing forth, you must equip yourself with all of the neccessary food, water, torches, flint, tinder, toilet paper, oil skins, papyrus, malachite, flying buttresses, blowholes, smegma, doric, ionic and corinthian.
The various apothecaries in town can sell you healing ointments and ED pills.
Make sure you visit the Blacksmith, sorry African-Americansmith, when you're ready to upgrade your weapons.
Avoid the various temples in the town since nobody cares about their god in this world either!
When you're ready, go to the stables and get a mount. We could've said horse, but that's not the usual nomenclature for a game like this. This will make the journey to the Spire that much quicker, and let's face it, you want action, am I right?
Encounters along the way will be many and enough to get you those precious levels you're addicted to. Couldn't put that enthusiasm to work in real life at your job, could you?
**Spoiler Alert**
At the Spire of Carfax, you will get to fight the dreaded Maldorous Tree Snark that has taken up residence in the abandoned keep. It combats all who enter with it's smelly genitalia and penetrating gaze which... is really creepy. In order to kill it you must first %$&&**$&**()*&^%%$$
Sorry, the "powers that be" here at UnixEnix don't wan't me to reveal the way to defeat this creature, because it took like 3,000 man hours and $42,500 to develop it and they want it to mess with your heads when you're playing.
In fact, why don't you just enjoy it for yourself. I will return once you've been through this first part of the game and have tried to get that useless character you created to as close to level 10 as you could.
" Nothing says defeat like someone with his boot heel on the back of your head" - General Tyrus Gapeherder after the Battle of GreyRock
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