THE HISTORY OF THE ORC

It is a well known fact that the Semi-Genius intellect of J.R.B. Tolkeen came up with the Orc race in his epic tale of little midget people trying to find a pawn shop in order to pawn a ring and save their little village from epic destruction.  In his yarn, he created a new race of evil creatures called the Orcs. 

Theories abound on the creation of the actual name and that he named the Orc after the "Oxford Rugby Club", an evil form of British football which involves crushing the opposing team's genitalia.  Another theory is that the Orcs were the evil form of the Elves and he simply needed a three letter name that sounded evil.  Neither theories can ever be proven since Tolkeen died more than 30 years ago and "Speaking to the Dead" spells only exist in our game and not real life.

In his farcical tale, Froto battles waves of Orcs with his sword "Stung" to defend the ring from falling into the hands of Sarumoan the Lord of the Rings.  We're not sure who Saruman and Sauron are, but we combined the characters into one to make the tale a little less confusing.  I mean, what are the odds of the two bad guys in one work of fiction having the same name?
Anyhoo, Saruman mated the Goblins and the Trolls, or something, to come up with the "Oorook-High" the elite Orc that can travel in the day in order to find that stupid ass ring.  Meanwhile, Sauron's Mordar Orcs were massing in a castle named "Minus Morgan" waiting for a huge blue bolt to shoot out of the top which apparently tells them to start marching on the humans and elves.
As the tale ends, the orcs fall through the Earth when the ring is destroyed and the ground breaks apart... o.k. whatever?

But, the Orcs did not die altogether.  They cropped up later in a small game made up by these mega-geeks in the 70's called "Dungeons and Dragons"  In this game, you could be a half-orc, but not a full orc, since full orcs were evil and you couldn't be that in the game.  I mean, if you play a game you need to be the good guy, right?  But, you could choose your character's alignment, especially "Chaotic Evil" which is what the orcs were anyway, so I don't see the difference?  The orc legacy was just beginning.

After the advent of computer games, the orc really began to flourish.  They were very prominent in a little game called "Warhammer" and later the 'Warhammer 5000".  In this game the orcs have terrible scottish accents, akin to Shrek, and constantly announce how the various points on the battlefield now belong to them. They set the standard of the green skin, jutting tusks and foul smelling (of which I'm assuming, since smell in a video game has yet to be invented) monster of a fantasy realm.

But the orcs did not achieve the rightful status of Fantasy Icon until the advent of an underground, little known game called "World of Warcrap", sorry "Warcraft". (They are, after all, a direct competitor for our MMORPG dollar) In this game, Blizzard Entertainment has seen fit to copy the Warhammer orcs into yet another game, keeping them a various shade of green and the whole jutting tusk theme is still there.  But, they added magical orcs, as well, thus making them a little less of the clobbering, moronic characters they were in the past.  The Orc Shaman became popular, a cross between a native american and a green-skinned, tusk-jutting monstrosity.

Here at UnixEnix, we have taken the orc to the nth degree and actually named our game after the popular race.  In our game, you can be:

Full Orc,
Half-Orc
Half-Orc/Half-Elf
Half Orc/Cherokee Indian
Mongolian and a direct descendant of Ghengis Kahn
Half-Orc/Half-Klingon
Robo-Orc
Orc and Mindy
Dwarvish Orclord
Orc-Rinds
Orcky Pig

In our game, however the green skin and jutting tusks are still there, I mean, why mess with perfection, right?

Our orcs are actually available in various alignments including: Evil, Mega-Evil, Holocaust-Evil, Ultimate-Evil, Dropping Second A Bomb on Japan-Evil, Second-Hand Smoke-Evil and Lawful Good.
Orcs are best when wielding the battle-axe or club with rusty nails jutting out of it.  They enjoy eating their victims, beheading their victims while they are still alive, and quiet walks on the beach.
The best classes for orc characters are fighters, brawlers and fisti-cuffs, whatever that is? Isn't that those gold or silver things your grandfather used to put on his long sleeved shirt cuffs before going to church?
Orcs are very disorganized and frequently run in circles when attacked, lacking the organizational skills needed in order to form a battle plan.  Their battle plan is usually, to rip the arm off their closest opponent, and beat the other opponents to death with it.

After the first few months, the online player's favorite character race of choice was not the orcs... go figure?
They seemed to prefer effeminate male elf characters with long flowing locks and square jaws.  We here at UnixEnix believe they're just being gay and don't know the power of the orc character.  Now, more months go by, and the new favorite is the "Undead" racial class we put in as a joke, thinking nobody would actually want to be a zombie? But, we were wrong as lumbering zombies began to reach level 25 and having their own castles and armies to command!
Where were the Orc-lovers? We named the damned game after them for christ-sakes!  A year into it, a player named DUMBLEDOR543 snuck in as the first to reach level 50 with his Orc Shaman.  This orc was the epitome of the magical orc character we had always dreamed of.  But, sadly DUMBLEDOR543 was addicted to our game, lost his job and all sources of income and now he can't play because he's in an asylum addicted to anti-depressants.
But, here as we're now five years into the Orcfest games, the orc reigns supreme as the No.1 character that a new player starts out with, gets bored with and then creates a new one based on his/her rendition of Drizzt Do'Urden.
I hope you, as a player will revisit the orc character as the number one villianous fantasy race ever created in literature, role-playing games and video games.

"All Trespassers will be eviscer... evsier....ivers... gutted like a fish!" - Sign outside the Orc village of Bloodspurt