CLASSES:
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ANTI-ANTI-UBER-PALADIN - This Uber-Paladin has gone over to the darkside, been there for awhile causing pain and misery to all, had an epiphany at some point and has returned to the side of good to fight evil once again. This character has the advantage of using his evil powers until the actual date that his evil affiliation runs out.
GRISLY OLD WITCH - This character is an old hag with a Charisma half the amount of the below average hideous orc with a wooden leg and glass eye. She spends all day churning a bubbling cauldron with a boat oar, with the occasional eyeball popping up as she stirs. Her magical powers come from the energy absorbed from small children she forces into an oven and eats, while chilling in her gingerbread house.
TEXAS RANGER - A sub sect of the Ranger class, this character chews tobacco and shoots first and asks questions later. The gun rack addition to the profile allows this character to be the only one who can carry firearms in a fantasy game. His companion is usually an old, blind mutt whom he doesn't have the guts to take outside and put out of it's misery.
FEARLESS ZOMBIE KILLER - This class is indisposable when zombies are around. When there's no zombies, he should stay at the back and help drag out the bodies of the other dead party members.
FEARLESS VAMPIRE KILLER - This class is indisposable when vampires are around. When there's no vampires, he should be the first one sent into battle because vampires are a lot harder to kill than zombies.
NINJA - Come on, first firearms in a fantasy game and now ancient Japanese mythical warriors? I suppose they'd try to squeeeze a ninja into Monopoly if they could, or how about Texas Hold 'Em? Can't we have one game or property without some stupid Ninja showing up?
DUNGFLINGER - This class is only available to the Bowery Elf characters, since they're the only ones who actually can scoop crap out of their butts and heave it at someone. They get +3 to any Dung-based attacks and +2 to any Dung-based defenses they put up.
DISILLUSIONIST - This class always "Rains on Everyone's Parade". The party's hopes and dreams are usually crushed by this character's little doses of "Reality". He neither thinks of the glass as half empty or half full, but that the glass costs 3 copper pieces and you just bankrupted the entire party's treasure haul for the adventure.
WARCOCK - Due to a typo, a very interesting character was created. We'll leave this one to your imagination.
FRIEND TO THE TREES - I don't know about you, but if you see one of these tree-huggers, it would be a good time to try that new spell or crossbow you just aqcuired. They cry when the forest is on fire, so use a fireball spell whenever you can. If the party loses their way, this class can talk to the blades of grass to get directions. They also don't eat trees or tree products or vegetables. They devour meat only and usually raw.
JAMES BOND VILLIAN - This class is a rich, industrialist thief who struggles for world domination. You usually won't have his help in the adventure, but you will have one of his many henchmen around instead, probably that big chinese guy who throws his hat.
JESTER - This character is constantly cracking bad jokes about the other members of the party and carries around props to support those jokes. He even has the occasional celebrity impersonation to lighten the mood. They also have the uncanny ability to bring up previous jokes from previous adventures to bore the party. When the other party members don't laugh, he usually taps his jester rod and says "Is this thing on?"
RACES:
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MALODOROUS TREE SNARK - Once an abominable foe, you can now play as one of these freaks of nature. Stun your foes with your malicious genital odor. Creep others out with your hideous blank stare into their eyes. They get a +3 to attack because their opponents are usually retching into a ditch while they are being approached.
HALF DWARF - This race is half the size of a dwarf, so it's quite probably a gnome of some kind.
FULL DWARF - This race is twice the size of a dwarf, so it's quite probably a human.
INDY 500 - This race is named because it's a bunch of cars going 500 miles in a circle. Not to be confused with the Kentucky Derby.
DRAENI - Some stupid ass race that crashed here from outer space and uses crystsals to get their jollies off. Wow! They're blue-skinned weirdos with ridges coming out in all directions on their faces.
ZOMBIE - Your character probably died in a former life and now walks around like the living dead. You can't die unless you're shot in the head. Since the latest patch took out all the "blunderbusses" from the game, you're invincible! (Unless you come across a Texas Ranger)
MULATTO ELF - A mixture of a Dark Elf and a regular Elf. This race must always mark "Black" on any forms they fill out which ask about race. Not considerd "ghetto" enough to hang with the dark elves and too dark to hang out at the country clubs. They get a +5 to Street Cred.
TROLL - A gangly mess of limbs and a face that could stop a glacier, this race is so ugly that the orcs are considered to be super models in comparison. They turn to stone in the sunlight and tend to sing songs about
eating other races while chortling under a bridge somewhere.
I hope you enjoyed the preview of April's downloadable content release and look forward to seeing your credit card numbers in the future.
" When all else fails, hamstring the idiot in front of you so the monster eats him, while you run to safety." - Excerpt from Alrod the Thief's Book of Skullduggery
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