Patches

Patches added to improve the Game

As you all know, the game creators have to install patches from time to time in order to correct mistakes or graphical errors that escaped the notice of our highly experienced game testers.  In no way did the lack of sleep or their addiction to Red Bull have anything to do with their oversights.  The following are some items we had to change in our game because, well let's face it, we're human and make mistakes.

Patch 1.3.45.076

The Glimmer Balls no longer flock together in two's and join together with the Shimmering Shaft creature in Level 8 of the Dungeon of Ill Repute.

When your character levels up the explosion of light around him will be seen by not only other players in the same realm, but other people on the internet not even playing our game.

Emoticons added: Facial Tick, Sly Stallone Lip, Feign Interest, Rasberry, Vulcan Salute, Heil Hitler, River Dance, Kidney Failure, E. Coli, Shadow Puppets.

Female character's clothing graphics reduced by 35% and their bustline and ghetto-booty increased by 45%.

You can now pull the arrows out of the eye sockets of your foes after they are defeated.

The mounts in the Golden Corral are now $8.99 and all you can eat.

Dwarves are now forbidden to shave, including the women and children.

There are no "Blunderbusses" in a fantasy setting, they have all been removed.  Did Tolkien have firearms?

Any companions added to your characters profile can now be violated as he/she sees fit.

You can now throw the entire catapult if you wish.

Frost Giants can now be defeated by climbing up his a$$ and pulling all his teeth out with pliers. Ignoring the fact that he can still step on you, he will become your friend and help you put the star on the christmas tree at the end of the game.

Your bags can carry only 8 items maximum, unless you have the stolen shopping cart addition.

Any time a party defeats a foe, they must battle for the paltry sum of treasure until only one remains.

The clock in the upper corner of the screen should be ignored, as well as the fact that you're falling asleep at the computer.

Magic-Abusers now get +10 Annoyance to the rest of the party as he takes way to long to conjure up a lightning bolt or Imp.

Dragons can now be defeated either, never or way too easily.

Orcs get a +15 to Charisma, even though they started out with a -35 Charisma.

The huge yellow punctuation marks mean something now.

Now, when your character is crouching, a huge graphical representation of he/she crouching takes up the entire upper 2/3rds of the screen as well as sends a message to the other party members that he/she is crouching.  We ignore the fact that in 3rd person mode, you can actually see your character crouching.

The funny colored abilities at the bottom of the screen, you know the hundreds of confusing squares below the action on the screen, will now be replaced with the "Wheel of Abilities".  It is one button that you click on and a random ability happens.

Open all the crates you see, you might get the Golden Ticket.

Target your foes first before you launch your attack, that way the rest of the party will be confused as well.

When your character dies now, the "canned laughter" we added will make it a little less tragic.

Monks are a stupid class and we regret adding them in.  They have been replaced by Hari Krishnas.

The red circle around you now means something terrible is about to swoop down on you.

When thinking of a pet always take the penguin, they have been upgraded up the a$$.

The blue bar above you, when you are swimming, is no longer your breath meter, but how long it is before you actually pee in the pool.

We hope these patches make the gaming experience more enjoyable and make the game less annoying to those who have never actually played it.

" You can all go f$%k yourselves!" - Entire concession speech of Garrot the Unforgivable upon losing the election to the Elvish Parliament.