CHEATS

In one of our first posts on the ORCFEST 3 Blog, we went over some cheats in order to help you get more involved with the game and to give the "Noobs" a leg up on the competition.  Let's face it, some of these Level 70 guys will pull your head off and sh*t down the hole, with all the magic stuff they've been collecting for the past few years.

If the Glimmer Balls are giving you trouble, go to the bottom of the screen and click on the "Search for Party" icon and look for a group of similar level characters to help you.  If this doesn't work, go to the bottom of your screen, and on the lower left, hit "Start" and then "Shutdown".

If you are of the Hunter class, make sure you train a good animal companion.  The platypus, emu or gerbil are excellent choices.

Watch frequently for Dragon "Doody", if you see a huge shadow getting larger and larger over your character.

Remember, war is not the answer, unless you're an orc, then kick some serious elf butt!

Make sure you feed your dead party members to the Arch-Demon on Level 29's 3rd dungeon.

100 copper= 1 silver

100 silver= 1 gold

100 gold= 1 platinum

100 platinum= 1 diamond

100 diamond= one ounce of whale pheromone on the black market

The skeletons roaming the Stormbleach Keep can only be defeated by re-enacting that scene from "Jason and the Argonauts".

MANA is not used as a measure of magical power in this game.  We use the term, GLITTER.

Devour the pancreas of the Voldrani Bungbeasts in order to heal quickly after a battle.

There's various running styles for your character as you cavort through the realms:  Wedgie, Wet underwear, corn cob up the A$$, and I think I just crapped myself.

Remember to hesitate before you're about to cast the ring into the volcanic fire.

That Jason Statham fantasy movie (based on a piece of crap game) was a piece of crap.  The orc copies in that piece of crap,  looked like crap.

As you make decisions in the game, there are little game pixies who actually roll the dice for the events unfolding on the screen.  Feed them a cookie now and then.

When creating a character, make it one of the opposite sex, so you can feel what it's really like to be that.

In Golimsbad, be sure to visit Farnsworth the Freak, and get his herbal remedy at the dispensary, since they passed that law a few years back.

The buzzing noise you hear frequently in Gornfang Forest is not a bug in the programming, but huge swarms of bees lurking just offscreen, which you can't kill, disperse or interact with at all.

All guards are A-holes!  Kill them without mercy.

When pickpocketing as a thief, make sure you're sulking.

Sorry, that didn't make any sense, I meant skulking.

Oops!  I meant, make sure you're a Skull-King, that's a level 25 thief of the guild.

When going on a "Ravage" with other players make sure you leave no huts unburned.

At random, the spoken "Shakespearean" dialect of the elves will be put into the orc character's lines in the game, and at the speed of "Alvin and the Chipmunks".

When fighting the "Spectral" undead, make sure you use EVP and your thermal camera.  Go over your findings with your host at the end of the show.

Arrows flying into your character don't neccessarily mean the person firing them is your enemy.  Check your Charisma level.

Breathing underwater causes instant death.  Holding your breath underwater causes a little bar graph to appear above your character.

They had explosives in that LOTR movie? What the sh^t is that?!

An evil alignment usually means that your tires are wearing more on one side than the other.

Remember to look for the Dragon's weakness.  It's usually chocodiles.

The endless trees in the game are all individually crafted by the greatest of computer programmers.  The stupid names of the places and creatures in the game are all individually thought up by stoner dropouts.

The endless barrel smashing, while looking for treasure, can get a little tedious.  Pretend you're Elliot Ness and you're giving it to those bootleggers!

Thanks for reading our latest Cheat entry. I hope this gets you to Level 50 quicker than that pederast ELFSPLITER666, that guy has been a bug up my a$$ since we started this game.  Every time I try to get into the Dungeon of  Ill Repute he's always there to snub me and kill my 25th level Orc Shaman, so I have to start over again at my save point.

"If you cheat, the world dies a little bit around you" - Philosophical B.S. from Borador the Fallen

Send in the Elves

Well, we can't keep going on and on about Orcs, not while there's a pasty teabag of a race called the Elves that we can go on about endlessly.  Thanks to Drizzt Do'Urden and Orlando Bloom's portrayal of the otherwise on-the-page faggot of an elf,  Legolas,  the elves have dominated the MMORPG character lists for years.  The #1 race picked by overweight chicks from coast to coast, the elves reign supreme in their vegan, tree-hugging realms.

A magical race of thin, beautiful, flowing locked homosexuals has made a huge impact on the fantasy genre in the last 80 years or so.  Before modern heroic fantasy, the elves were stuck at the North Pole making wooden toys for Santa Claus, now they wield double bladed swords and can shoot the eye out of a Goblin at 100 yards.

They are one with the forest and live for a 1,000 years.  They enjoy pools of radiant water in which they get at least 200+ channels, and spout Shakespeare like you've never heard it before.   Their most endearing quality is their languages: Mundanian and Quiznosian.  Only true nerds can speak these languages of the shimmering realms fluently.  They can only be supplanted by the Trekkers who speak Klingon... which, let's face it, is a real language.

Most players pick an elf warlock and then they deck him out with various rods, wands and staffs and play him until he reaches level 50, where they then sell him to some idiot in Des Moines for $250.  The players can't wait until this character can summon armies of imps, wield chain lightning and excrete pure fantasy pleasure as they mow down orc villages with a conjuration or two.

The Elf Hunter is also good, with his trusty longbow and companion forest wolf at his side.  This class was usually an ex-electric guitar guy from the 70's who lives in Michigan and hunts wild pigs on his own ranch.

And let's not forget the Elf Druid.  This class is the tree-raper of tree-huggers!  All they do all day is collect herbs and talk to stalks of corn.  Their only defense is to entangle their attackers with vines from a nearby thicket and cower in the corner.  But, the druids are cool, I mean, they built Stonehenge didn't they?

  

THE DARK ELVES

From the pages of the Nearly Forgotten Realms books, the character of Drizzit Dough'Urden has been the forerunner of the dark elf character.  Singlehandedly, one character has defined a race sought after by D & D geeks and RPG players all over the world.

The dark elves are cool because they just don't give a f%$k!  They live underground with no sunlight and worship some kind of Lovecraftian demon god.  Their society is chaotic and violent, where family houses fight  for control of the housing market and property values of the underworld.

They are usually black skinned and with flowing white hair, which is obviously a weave of some kind.  They use cunning and assassination to get ahead in life, much like John Wilkes Boothe.

Their evil innate powers are:  levitation and a globe of darkness, which the latter blocks everyone from seeing the strings which create the levitation illusion. Let's face it, they're pretty friggin cool!

Come on, I know you've done it?  You've made an elf character, then you darkened his skin and made his hair all white and tried to call him Drizzt... only to have the game tell you "That name is not available".  And, that's because the first guy whoever logged in to play our game used that name before anyone else, thinking he was so into fanatsy and everyone would love the "reference" to the dark elf.

Anyhow, enjoy your Elf, whatever his class may be and make him look cool would'ya please?

"Fare thee well stout-hearted traveller." - an elf in Lothlortigan Woods, being a total fag.

FAMOUS ORCS THROUGHOUT POPULAR CULTURE

We are proud to share these photos of famous orcs throughout popular culture that have helped to shape the modern version of the orc we all know and love to this day.  Remember the evil that they represent and that will make it a little easier to accept these iconic monsters of the greatest fantasy epics of all time.  

"You soul stealing bastard!" - Battlecry of Elmond the Hunter as a tourist tries to take his photo.  (The tourist was killed seconds after the outburst, because he didn't know about Elmond's people and their fear of cameras.)

The Future of the Orc

Hah!  Looking at that picture above you didn't believe me about the ROBO-ORC thing in the previous post didya?!

Well, it seems that the orc may be outliving his uselessness afterall.  We've seen fantasy properties where orc-like creatures are called different names like; Hurlocks, Grunts, Grogs, Mogs, etc.  But, let's really call it what it is... an orc! Changing a green guy's name doesn't cloud the fact that you plagiarized the hell out of someone's work.  If it grunts and walks like a Planet of the Apes reject, then an orc by any other name would smell as nasty.

A huge iconic race of characters was created by a stuck up british guy in the 1940's and they've been with us ever since.  So, yeah, he lived through WWI and saw the orcs as the German war machine bearing down on him while he slogged through the mud ridden trenches.  Yeah, he saw the rise of Hitler and the Nazis and made an allegory about Saruman and the Uruk-Hai .  He even inspired some "down under" filmmaker to replicate Hitler's speech at Nuremburg, with Saruman preaching to the thousands of orcs below the Tower of Orthanc.  Yeah, he also saw his forests being eradicated by what he thought were orcs, out of the view from his balcony.  Damn, Tolkien was out of it, wasn't he?

But, today, what do the orcs really mean to us in our everyday lives? Maybe it's your green skinned, tusk encrusted boss hovering over you as you slave at that cubicle job?  Maybe it's your smelly, green breasted wife nagging at you to keep your battle-axe off of the coffee table? Maybe the orcs represent the pounds of fast food slogging away through your intestines and ravaging your colon with ladders on hooks and siege machines?  I believe they represent evil in the way it was meant to be represented, green with tusks jutting out of their bottom jaw, ready to cleave you in two.

And what of the future?  Do the orcs have a place in our Facebook and Twitter society?  Maybe, the orc will evolve into pure A.I. and cause the downfall of man? Maybe O.R.C.  is a three letter word, an acronym for the apocalypse... and by apocalypse, I mean a bunch of green guys with tusks crashing through your front door with battle-axes.  Just maybe it's the 666 we've been looking for; the Number of the Beast!  O is the 15th letter multiplied by R and using the square value of C.... well it doesn't come out to 666, but you get the idea.

I think the future holds more orc copies than we've ever seen before, because screen writers and authors are lazy individuals and like to use the "homage" excuse for everything.  Oh, it's an "homage" to Lord of the Rings!  Let me tell you something, cousin.  Lord of the Rings doesn't need any more "homages", in fact the entire fantasy section at your local bookstore is a Lord of the Rings "homage"!  And more game developers will have their Orcfest "homages" now, so be ready for the next orc incarnation to show up, crawling out from under the toilet rim while your trying to take a peacful crap. That's how bad it's going to get!

"Thank you sir, may I have another" - Sir Belvedoorknob receiving pennance from his horse.

THE HISTORY OF THE ORC

It is a well known fact that the Semi-Genius intellect of J.R.B. Tolkeen came up with the Orc race in his epic tale of little midget people trying to find a pawn shop in order to pawn a ring and save their little village from epic destruction.  In his yarn, he created a new race of evil creatures called the Orcs. 

Theories abound on the creation of the actual name and that he named the Orc after the "Oxford Rugby Club", an evil form of British football which involves crushing the opposing team's genitalia.  Another theory is that the Orcs were the evil form of the Elves and he simply needed a three letter name that sounded evil.  Neither theories can ever be proven since Tolkeen died more than 30 years ago and "Speaking to the Dead" spells only exist in our game and not real life.

In his farcical tale, Froto battles waves of Orcs with his sword "Stung" to defend the ring from falling into the hands of Sarumoan the Lord of the Rings.  We're not sure who Saruman and Sauron are, but we combined the characters into one to make the tale a little less confusing.  I mean, what are the odds of the two bad guys in one work of fiction having the same name?
Anyhoo, Saruman mated the Goblins and the Trolls, or something, to come up with the "Oorook-High" the elite Orc that can travel in the day in order to find that stupid ass ring.  Meanwhile, Sauron's Mordar Orcs were massing in a castle named "Minus Morgan" waiting for a huge blue bolt to shoot out of the top which apparently tells them to start marching on the humans and elves.
As the tale ends, the orcs fall through the Earth when the ring is destroyed and the ground breaks apart... o.k. whatever?

But, the Orcs did not die altogether.  They cropped up later in a small game made up by these mega-geeks in the 70's called "Dungeons and Dragons"  In this game, you could be a half-orc, but not a full orc, since full orcs were evil and you couldn't be that in the game.  I mean, if you play a game you need to be the good guy, right?  But, you could choose your character's alignment, especially "Chaotic Evil" which is what the orcs were anyway, so I don't see the difference?  The orc legacy was just beginning.

After the advent of computer games, the orc really began to flourish.  They were very prominent in a little game called "Warhammer" and later the 'Warhammer 5000".  In this game the orcs have terrible scottish accents, akin to Shrek, and constantly announce how the various points on the battlefield now belong to them. They set the standard of the green skin, jutting tusks and foul smelling (of which I'm assuming, since smell in a video game has yet to be invented) monster of a fantasy realm.

But the orcs did not achieve the rightful status of Fantasy Icon until the advent of an underground, little known game called "World of Warcrap", sorry "Warcraft". (They are, after all, a direct competitor for our MMORPG dollar) In this game, Blizzard Entertainment has seen fit to copy the Warhammer orcs into yet another game, keeping them a various shade of green and the whole jutting tusk theme is still there.  But, they added magical orcs, as well, thus making them a little less of the clobbering, moronic characters they were in the past.  The Orc Shaman became popular, a cross between a native american and a green-skinned, tusk-jutting monstrosity.

Here at UnixEnix, we have taken the orc to the nth degree and actually named our game after the popular race.  In our game, you can be:

Full Orc,
Half-Orc
Half-Orc/Half-Elf
Half Orc/Cherokee Indian
Mongolian and a direct descendant of Ghengis Kahn
Half-Orc/Half-Klingon
Robo-Orc
Orc and Mindy
Dwarvish Orclord
Orc-Rinds
Orcky Pig

In our game, however the green skin and jutting tusks are still there, I mean, why mess with perfection, right?

Our orcs are actually available in various alignments including: Evil, Mega-Evil, Holocaust-Evil, Ultimate-Evil, Dropping Second A Bomb on Japan-Evil, Second-Hand Smoke-Evil and Lawful Good.
Orcs are best when wielding the battle-axe or club with rusty nails jutting out of it.  They enjoy eating their victims, beheading their victims while they are still alive, and quiet walks on the beach.
The best classes for orc characters are fighters, brawlers and fisti-cuffs, whatever that is? Isn't that those gold or silver things your grandfather used to put on his long sleeved shirt cuffs before going to church?
Orcs are very disorganized and frequently run in circles when attacked, lacking the organizational skills needed in order to form a battle plan.  Their battle plan is usually, to rip the arm off their closest opponent, and beat the other opponents to death with it.

After the first few months, the online player's favorite character race of choice was not the orcs... go figure?
They seemed to prefer effeminate male elf characters with long flowing locks and square jaws.  We here at UnixEnix believe they're just being gay and don't know the power of the orc character.  Now, more months go by, and the new favorite is the "Undead" racial class we put in as a joke, thinking nobody would actually want to be a zombie? But, we were wrong as lumbering zombies began to reach level 25 and having their own castles and armies to command!
Where were the Orc-lovers? We named the damned game after them for christ-sakes!  A year into it, a player named DUMBLEDOR543 snuck in as the first to reach level 50 with his Orc Shaman.  This orc was the epitome of the magical orc character we had always dreamed of.  But, sadly DUMBLEDOR543 was addicted to our game, lost his job and all sources of income and now he can't play because he's in an asylum addicted to anti-depressants.
But, here as we're now five years into the Orcfest games, the orc reigns supreme as the No.1 character that a new player starts out with, gets bored with and then creates a new one based on his/her rendition of Drizzt Do'Urden.
I hope you, as a player will revisit the orc character as the number one villianous fantasy race ever created in literature, role-playing games and video games.

"All Trespassers will be eviscer... evsier....ivers... gutted like a fish!" - Sign outside the Orc village of Bloodspurt

New Character Classes and Races

Welcome once again to the world of Orcfest 3!  In this blog entry we'll go over some of the new characters and races which may be included in April 2010's downloadable content for $29.99.  If you would like to transfer an existing character into a new race and/or class it will cost you $19.99 and they start the game over and at Level 1.

CLASSES:
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ANTI-ANTI-UBER-PALADIN - This Uber-Paladin has gone over to the darkside, been there for awhile causing pain and misery to all, had an epiphany at some point and has returned to the side of good to fight evil once again.  This character has the advantage of using his evil powers until the actual date that his evil affiliation runs out.

GRISLY OLD WITCH - This character is an old hag with a Charisma half the amount of the below average hideous orc with a wooden leg and glass eye.  She spends all day churning a bubbling cauldron with a boat oar, with the occasional eyeball popping up as she stirs.  Her magical powers come from the energy absorbed from small children she forces into an oven and eats, while chilling in her gingerbread house.

TEXAS RANGER - A sub sect of the Ranger class, this character chews tobacco and shoots first and asks questions later.  The gun rack addition to the profile allows this character to be the only one who can carry firearms in a fantasy game. His companion is usually an old, blind mutt whom he doesn't have the guts to take outside and put out of it's misery.

FEARLESS ZOMBIE KILLER - This class is indisposable when zombies are around.  When there's no zombies, he should stay at the back and help drag out the bodies of the other dead party members.

FEARLESS VAMPIRE KILLER - This class is indisposable when vampires are around.  When there's no vampires, he should be the first one sent into battle because vampires are a lot harder to kill than zombies.

NINJA - Come on, first firearms in a fantasy game and now ancient Japanese mythical warriors?  I suppose they'd try to squeeeze a ninja into Monopoly if they could, or how about Texas Hold 'Em?  Can't we have one game or property without some stupid Ninja showing up?

DUNGFLINGER - This class is only available to the Bowery Elf characters, since they're the only ones who actually can scoop crap out of their butts and heave it at someone.  They get +3 to any Dung-based attacks and +2 to any Dung-based defenses they put up.
 
DISILLUSIONIST - This class always "Rains on Everyone's Parade".  The party's hopes and dreams are usually crushed by this character's little doses of "Reality".  He neither thinks of the glass as half empty or half full, but that the glass costs 3 copper pieces and you just bankrupted the entire party's treasure haul for the adventure.

WARCOCK - Due to a typo, a very interesting character was created.  We'll leave this one to your imagination.

FRIEND TO THE TREES - I don't know about you, but if you see one of these tree-huggers, it would be a good time to try that new spell or crossbow you just aqcuired.  They cry when the forest is on fire, so use a fireball spell whenever you can.  If the party loses their way, this class can talk to the blades of grass to get directions. They also don't eat trees or tree products or vegetables.  They devour meat only and usually raw.

JAMES BOND VILLIAN - This class is a rich, industrialist thief who struggles for world domination.  You usually won't have his help in the adventure, but you will have one of his many henchmen around instead, probably that big chinese guy who throws his hat.

JESTER - This character is constantly cracking bad jokes about the other members of the party and carries around props to support those jokes.  He even has the occasional celebrity impersonation to lighten the mood.  They also have the uncanny ability to bring up previous jokes from previous adventures to bore the party.  When the other party members don't laugh, he usually taps his jester rod and says "Is this thing on?"

RACES:
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MALODOROUS TREE SNARK - Once an abominable foe, you can now play as one of these freaks of nature.  Stun your foes with your malicious genital odor.  Creep others out with your hideous blank stare into their eyes.  They get a +3 to attack because their opponents are usually retching into a ditch while they are being approached.

HALF DWARF - This race is half the size of a dwarf, so it's quite probably a gnome of some kind.

FULL DWARF - This race is twice the size of a dwarf, so it's quite probably a human.

INDY 500 - This race is named because it's a bunch of cars going 500 miles in a circle.  Not to be confused with the Kentucky Derby.

DRAENI - Some stupid ass race that crashed here from outer space and uses crystsals to get their jollies off. Wow! They're blue-skinned weirdos with ridges coming out in all directions on their faces.

ZOMBIE - Your character probably died in a former life and now walks around like the living dead. You can't die unless you're shot in the head.  Since the latest patch took out all the "blunderbusses" from the game, you're invincible!  (Unless you come across a Texas Ranger)

MULATTO ELF - A mixture of a Dark Elf and a regular Elf.  This race must always mark "Black" on any forms they fill out which ask about race.  Not considerd "ghetto" enough to hang with the dark elves and too dark to hang out at the country clubs.  They get a +5 to Street Cred.

TROLL - A gangly mess of limbs and a face that could stop a glacier, this race is so ugly that the orcs are considered to be super models in comparison.  They turn to stone in the sunlight and tend to sing songs about
eating other races while chortling under a bridge somewhere.

I hope you enjoyed the preview of April's downloadable content release and look forward to seeing your credit card numbers in the future.

" When all else fails, hamstring the idiot in front of you so the monster eats him, while you run to safety." - Excerpt from Alrod the Thief's Book of Skullduggery

Patches

Patches added to improve the Game

As you all know, the game creators have to install patches from time to time in order to correct mistakes or graphical errors that escaped the notice of our highly experienced game testers.  In no way did the lack of sleep or their addiction to Red Bull have anything to do with their oversights.  The following are some items we had to change in our game because, well let's face it, we're human and make mistakes.

Patch 1.3.45.076

The Glimmer Balls no longer flock together in two's and join together with the Shimmering Shaft creature in Level 8 of the Dungeon of Ill Repute.

When your character levels up the explosion of light around him will be seen by not only other players in the same realm, but other people on the internet not even playing our game.

Emoticons added: Facial Tick, Sly Stallone Lip, Feign Interest, Rasberry, Vulcan Salute, Heil Hitler, River Dance, Kidney Failure, E. Coli, Shadow Puppets.

Female character's clothing graphics reduced by 35% and their bustline and ghetto-booty increased by 45%.

You can now pull the arrows out of the eye sockets of your foes after they are defeated.

The mounts in the Golden Corral are now $8.99 and all you can eat.

Dwarves are now forbidden to shave, including the women and children.

There are no "Blunderbusses" in a fantasy setting, they have all been removed.  Did Tolkien have firearms?

Any companions added to your characters profile can now be violated as he/she sees fit.

You can now throw the entire catapult if you wish.

Frost Giants can now be defeated by climbing up his a$$ and pulling all his teeth out with pliers. Ignoring the fact that he can still step on you, he will become your friend and help you put the star on the christmas tree at the end of the game.

Your bags can carry only 8 items maximum, unless you have the stolen shopping cart addition.

Any time a party defeats a foe, they must battle for the paltry sum of treasure until only one remains.

The clock in the upper corner of the screen should be ignored, as well as the fact that you're falling asleep at the computer.

Magic-Abusers now get +10 Annoyance to the rest of the party as he takes way to long to conjure up a lightning bolt or Imp.

Dragons can now be defeated either, never or way too easily.

Orcs get a +15 to Charisma, even though they started out with a -35 Charisma.

The huge yellow punctuation marks mean something now.

Now, when your character is crouching, a huge graphical representation of he/she crouching takes up the entire upper 2/3rds of the screen as well as sends a message to the other party members that he/she is crouching.  We ignore the fact that in 3rd person mode, you can actually see your character crouching.

The funny colored abilities at the bottom of the screen, you know the hundreds of confusing squares below the action on the screen, will now be replaced with the "Wheel of Abilities".  It is one button that you click on and a random ability happens.

Open all the crates you see, you might get the Golden Ticket.

Target your foes first before you launch your attack, that way the rest of the party will be confused as well.

When your character dies now, the "canned laughter" we added will make it a little less tragic.

Monks are a stupid class and we regret adding them in.  They have been replaced by Hari Krishnas.

The red circle around you now means something terrible is about to swoop down on you.

When thinking of a pet always take the penguin, they have been upgraded up the a$$.

The blue bar above you, when you are swimming, is no longer your breath meter, but how long it is before you actually pee in the pool.

We hope these patches make the gaming experience more enjoyable and make the game less annoying to those who have never actually played it.

" You can all go f$%k yourselves!" - Entire concession speech of Garrot the Unforgivable upon losing the election to the Elvish Parliament.

Real World Money Used to Buy Virtual Property

Well, I touched on it before, and apparently there are corporate organizations that employ people to play Orcfest 3 all day in order to sell you items that you're too lazy to get on your own?  Who came up with that idea?
I decided to go to Taiwan, where I met up with a gentleman named Ling Ho Phat.  Ling Ho is the CEO of Dragon Time, an organization which employs over 350 Taiwanese youngsters who are paid about $3.00 a day to play Orcfest 3 for 14 to 16 hours straight.  The purpose is to get those precious items in the game and to sell them on the "Blackmarket" internet for real American dinero.
This precludes the idea that American's are too lazy to play a video game for that long every day and can't achieve these items on their own.  Well, I beg to differ!  I believe American's are too lazy and they should be able to buy those items for their god given rights to disposable income.

Upon visiting Dragon Time, I had the opportunity to interview Ling Ho about how he came up with this money making idea.
"I have idea on how to sell cheap samurai swords on internet.. and it hit me in face... rhy not sell virtual swords from popular game rike Orcfest 3? I make website to sell what I pay children to pray the game fo
16 hour a day.  I gleat genius!"
I noticed that all of the teenagers that sat in the dank, smelly boardroom with cheap computers and card tables, were completely naked, except for their underwear.  Ling Ho informed me it was so they could not smuggle or steal the company's product from the building.  I reminded him that the company's product does not exist in the actual world and they couldn't steal it if they tried.  He simply pointed at his head and said, "That's what you tink.  Who genius here? Me or you?"
Maybe Ling Cho is right?  Maybe he is a "gleat genius" and he has lead the charge for a new type of virtual market?  Maybe virtual real estate is next?
Does your Uber-Paladin need a new castle?  Maybe some clothesless Taiwanese boy is fighting his way through the Andaluvian Swamp right now to get it for him?  Ling Hop is probably working on that as we speak.

When I returned to our immensely huge office where the employees actually have clothes on, here in the great U.S.A., I went on one of Ling Hu's sites in order to see if I could buy one of his virtual products.  I went to gleatgenius.com and there I saw a cavalcade of magical items that I remember programming into the game so many years before.  And there it was: the coveted +500 Sword of Blaggarts.  I remember setting up the conditions in the game in order to get this sword.  These conditions were akin to winning the Powerball lottery everyday for one year straight. The odds that someone were to actually achieve this item were billions to one.  Yet, some naked Taiwanese person had done it!  And there it was for $10,000 U.S., Paypal or Visa accepted.  Damn, if Ling Chu hadn't whipped those kids into a force to be reckoned with!
Upon furthur research, nobody had yet bought it, so I decided to break out the company credit card and test the theory for myself.  In mere moments, my Anti-Uber Paladin was wielding the greatest weapon known to any virtual RPG in existence.  Goblins and Hobgoblins alike were cleaved in twain as I charged through their ranks, the experience and gold pieces racking up like a bloody, medieval slot machine.
And who did I have to thank? Lin Hop and his merry band of naked chinese people marching through Orcfest 3 on their way to glory.

" It take gleat genius to make money on computer, but even gleater genius sell american doughboy a wand of fireball for $59.99 "  - Ling Ho Phat, founder of Dragon Time Virtual Shopping Mall

Taboos

This entry into the Orcfest 3 blog is to inform you of the taboos of our game (UnixEnix the creators of the game) and the things that we don't like you, (The renters of the use of the game) to do with our beloved property.
Never, ever, ever, ever make any of those stupid videos using our characters to lypsnch some pre-pubescent rock star's emo songs about life.  World of Warcraft has enough gay looking human characters singing and dancing to "I'm Too Sexy" and the next time I see a Tauren doing his rendition of "Living La Vida Loca", I'm going to rent a plane and take a huge dump over Blizzard Entertainment's headquarters.   These characters are created in order to kick major ass, not to jump around like the first guy leading the Gay Pride Parade.
And just because we programmed the characters to do the Elaine dance from Seinfeld, doesn't mean you need to use it in a mock music video every ten seconds.  And besides, let Michael Jackson rest in peace, we don't need to see some Goblin doing "Billie Jean".

Next, don't ever sell game items online for real cash!  This is a huge no-no, because we want the cash, not you.  We understand there's a huge office building in Malaysia that has a bunch of Malaysian geeks playing our game for 16 hours a day just so you can pay $100 for a magic sword you could've gotten on your own?
Americans should play 16 hours a day and get their magical swords for free!  And then what happens when you actually get to the point in the game when you should've gotten the sword?  You turn around and sell it like a virtual commodities broker and make $50 on the deal.  Next, we'll have all the hispanic single mom's getting their real estate licenses in virtual property and sell castles to Level 25 Uber-Paladins.  We don't need any virtual Michael Douglas's doing that stupid "Wall Street" speech on our headsets.

Also,  the trash talking has to do one of two things, either 1.) cease all together, or 2.) get more creative.  The current intellectuals who play the game seem to get stuck on the "cursing" each other out mode, which the direct antithesis to cursing out another driver on the road with the window up.   In that situation, the driver can see you, but not hear you.  In the gaming world, they can hear you, but not see you.  Therefore, the "Oh yeah, your mother's a whore!" really falls short of it's mark.  We need to really tear into each other if we're to keep the other listeners entertained. (As well as everyone here at UnixEnix who are listening in from time to time.)  Write down ideas while you're listening to your teacher rambling on at school or jot down some notes while you're bored at that office meeting.  A well prepared trash talker is a well valued piece of virtual entertainment.  Pull out the "Yo Mama" jokes nobody has ever heard of, or make fun of the obvious virginity of most of the players out there.  Keep it relevant to the fantasy game setting, say something like: "Yo Mama's so po' she had to move in with me, that's why I'm dealin' wit that Lyin' Bitch and her Wardrobe!"
Remember, keep it fresh.

Next, make sure your character has a cool name.  I'm sick of DARKKILLER665 and KING KOCK and stupid names like that.  Keep it relevant to the game or get a name that reflects your personality.  Names like: MOMMASBOY, ELFSPLITTER, FINGERCRAMPS, MOUNTAINDEW, PORKRIND, NEEDTACRAP, ANNOYINGF$#K, and 30YROLVIRGIN are good names.  Make sure it fits the character, which I'm sure looks exactly like you wish you looked in real life.

I hope these tips keep you enjoying our game as it was meant to be enjoyed, in a private darkened room, devoid of sunlight, and smelling like someone ralphed up their Grand Slam breakfast in one of the corners somewhere.

" Oorghhrumphka" - Last exhale of life from Thunderbloat, King of the Orc clan Bloodclot

Welcome to Level 1: The Spire of Carfax

Hello, new gamer.  We here at UnixEnix are proud that you've decided to put your life on hold, for the next few years at least, and purchase our newest addition to the Orcfest game family - Orcfest 3:  Shadows of Foggy Doom!
We are very confident that you will enjoy hours of non-people time, engaged with others through a greasy, smelly headset.  I'm sure your backlog of trash-talk and assumptions that the girl on your team is really hot, is building up inside you.

We hope you have installed the game correctly.  The countless hours it takes to install can be spent: waiting, listening to your Ipod, eating junk food, playing X-Box, or other things which we don't care to mention in a family setting.  Since this isn't a family setting... we know you were probably "rubbing one out"!
The images on the screen, as it's installing, were concept art that we deemed too impressive to be put into a 32 bit game.  You will not see these images in the actual game, but you can pretend they happened to your character sometime before Level 1, probably Level -3?

After it's ready, be sure to set up your account.  We charge a monthly service fee of $16.99.  This includes saving of all information, including how goofy your character looks and all the useless crap he/she collected throughout the game. Here at the office, we randomly pull up characters from players and... oh, how we laugh!

So, now it's pick a character time!  Don't always go for the cool looking ones immediately, sit and think.  Try all the hairstyles and facial hair, including all the colors which don't actually occur in nature.  Pick a class that reflects your personality.  Are you a loner who likes to think of ways to fool the clerk at Walmart into selling him a handgun?  Maybe, an evil Magic-Abuser is more your style? Are you a nerd who constantly gets picked on by bullies? Try the Uber-Paladin.  Are you a pimply, oilyhaired, granola chick? Druid!

So, once that's accomplished, it's off to Level 1:  The Spire of Carfax.  This introductory level will test your mettle and see if you have what it takes to get to the final stage: Foggy Doom!
You should be Level 10 by the end of this part of the world.  If you're not, just keep killing Bratbeetles until you are... probably take you 2 or 3 days, since they're only worth 32 experience points.

When venturing forth, you must equip yourself with all of the neccessary food, water, torches, flint, tinder, toilet paper, oil skins, papyrus, malachite, flying buttresses, blowholes, smegma, doric, ionic and corinthian.
The various apothecaries in town can sell you healing ointments and ED pills.
Make sure you visit the Blacksmith, sorry African-Americansmith, when you're ready to upgrade your weapons.
Avoid the various temples in the town since nobody cares about their god in this world either!

When you're ready, go to the stables and get a mount.  We could've said horse, but that's not the usual nomenclature for a game like this.  This will make the journey to the Spire that much quicker, and let's face it, you want action, am I right?
Encounters along the way will be many and enough to get you those precious levels you're addicted to.  Couldn't put that enthusiasm to work in real life at your job, could you?

**Spoiler Alert**

At the Spire of Carfax, you will get to fight the dreaded Maldorous Tree Snark that has taken up residence in the abandoned keep.  It combats all who enter with it's smelly genitalia and penetrating gaze which... is really creepy. In order to kill it you must first %$&&**$&**()*&^%%$$

Sorry, the "powers that be" here at UnixEnix don't wan't me to reveal the way to defeat this creature, because it took like 3,000 man hours and $42,500 to develop it and they want it to mess with your heads when you're playing.
In fact, why don't you just enjoy it for yourself.  I will return once you've been through this first part of the game and have tried to get that useless character you created to as close to level 10 as you could.

" Nothing says defeat like someone with his boot heel on the back of your head" - General Tyrus Gapeherder after the Battle of GreyRock   

Introduction to Orcfest 3: Including Cheats

** The following paid advertisement is brought to you by Nerdspace.com a division of Unixenixeasportsitsinthegame LLC**

ORCFEST 3 is a MMRMORPGRTN set in a typical fantasy realm full of stereotypical archetypes of races and characters you’ve probably seen before in every other game. These cheats and tricks will get you to Level 372 in no time. The Level Cap will not be raised to more than that until the Expansion Pack: RAPE AND PILLAGE comes out as downloadable content (DLC), or an ill advised trip to Walmart (IATTW). The Level cap will be raised to 373 at that time. Next Spring, the Expansion ORCFEST 3: HOW LONG CAN THIS DRAGON? The Level cap will be set to 1,000!

Valuable Tricks and Cheats for ORCFEST 3: SHADOWS IN THE MIST OF FOGGY DOOM
This is about the 3 Glimmer balls on Level 9 of the Dungeon of Ill Repute: To get past them, you simply have to enable the Frost Expander Spell to any bladed weapon, while simultaneously making your character look like a total fag on the Character Editing screen. Use the "multi-colored" boots of anti-stealth as a +10 modifier.

The Dragon on Level 9 of the quest "Dragon Fodder" can only be subdued by using the Lyre of Pain upon entering and hiding behind the fifth rock next to the commode.

Remember, if you need to heal before encountering the Gibbering Foolishness of Golimsbad, then drink the Potion of Tolerance before you see the 18th suicide bomber emerge from the clown carriage.

The +5 Sword of Forgottenness is only used when you reach Level 21 and can’t be seen, even if equipped or strapped to your back.

Martlebabblongdia can be persuaded to sell you more than you can hold in the Endless Bag of Bags, if you advance your BS Rating to 125 and your Charisma Rating is at least 5,000.

If you want to get the Slathering Boar mount before Level 25, then got to Bratbeetle’s Farm just outside of the City of Ragamufins and use your Confusion Spell to crash your computer.

Remember to save gold pieces so that you can use them to expand the chest size of your female character at any apothecary.

Any orc character will have teeth jutting out of the bottom of his mouth and be green in color, there’s no way around this.

The Sword of Unelightenment causes a Globe of Darkness upon everything on the screen. But, just because the power light on your monitor goes off, doesn’t mean the screen is necessarily off... keep playing.

All emoticons for your character are disabled at level 19, just so we can have a little peace for awhile.

At the Inn of the Severed Hand, approach Digby the bartender. Use the third response to the question, "What the f@#k do you want?". When you respond to just what the F@#k you want,
he will lead you downstairs the cellar where you’ll have to battle huge, f@#king rats!

In PvP mode, always use up arrow and ctrl key to kick your opponent in the groin. It will use either the "Ballbreaker" or the "C^ntpunt" depending on sex of the opponent.

Barbaros the Barbarian can be persuaded to follow you, but only if your charisma and morale equal your personality and chutzpah level and divided by your bartering skill level, before reaching the Bubbling Swamp quest.

If your character becomes addicted to Elven Sweat Juice, you need to find a mobile apothecary and purchase a Purge Potion for 1,000 gold pieces. Or, you can murder the apothecary and get it for free, you be the judge, after all, it’s only a game.

Daggers blow! That’s all there is to it! Get a sword for god’s sake!

The Castle on Peerpoint Mountain contains the coveted Ring of Invisibility. When you get it you must say "My Precious" at least once per combat turn or you will turn into a shriveled, creepy individual.

Orc characters automatically get a -34 to charisma. Big surprise there!

Sorcerers and Mages will be as useless as expected since they can only cast each spell once every three days. They can’t use any weapons, nor can they be young and spry. They can consume all of the party’s provisions, if not watched at all times.

The Dung-Flinger trap used by the Bowery Elves can be dismantled, but only if you have acquired the Rubber Gloves and Disinfectant of Cormudgen.

The following Dragons have the following Breath Weapons, Adjust your strategy accordingly:
RED DRAGON - Fire, you idiot!
GREEN DRAGON - Nyquil spray.
YELLOW DRAGON - Pee.
PURPLE DRAGON - Prince’s Pee.
BLACK DRAGON - Cone of Chocolate Sauce.
WHITE DRAGON - Something cold as s**t!
PINK DRAGON - Semen.
ORANGE DRAGON - Tang.
AQUAMARINE DRAGON - ????
RAW UMBER DRAGON - Something Umberful!
PRISMATIC DRAGON - Hot and Cold, Chocolate Pee-Pee.
　
Here is a list of the new races and character classes added to ORCFEST 3. Each has special

abilities which can be unlocked at certain levels.

BOWERY ELVES: This less than elegant race of elves, begs and steals it’s way through life in the dankest alleys of major cities of the realm. At Level 20 they get a "Stinking Cloud" spell which surrounds their body at all times. After Level 35, they must always be in a position to leave the party’s adventure, as they cannot control emptying their bowels in public places.

DWARVEN PRIESTS: This class of Dwarf is dedicated to a god which allows he/she to control their congregation of followers with the threat of beheading by a humongous war axe. At level 18, the priest can "Turn the Undead" into a headless corpse, by the application of a humongous war axe. At Level 45, the Priest becomes a "Papal" Level character, usually by assassinating his competition with a humongous war axe.

HALF ELF/ QUARTER ORC: This character is part elf and part orc. Usually better suited at Ranger type occupations since that keeps them out of the cities, and away from anyone looking at their butt-ugly faces. At Level 28 they get the ability to "Lose the Will to Live" and are on suicide watch until Level 50, when, if they haven’t killed themselves, will insult someone and have them do it for them.

MAGIC ABUSER: This class clearly can’t do anything unless it involves magic. They can’t even sweep the floor of their own house without animating the broom and have it do that for them, while they sit back and read a magazine. At Level 4, everyone else in the party will be so sick of "Mr. Magic" that contempt will occur and the eventual expulsion of said Magic Abuser will take place. I mean, how many "Fireballs" can one really take?

UBER -PALADIN : This class is so far to the "Good Side" that the mere mention of an evil deed will send them into a tirade of B.S. about the error of one’s ways, etc. At Level 10, they receive from their god, the mighty +52 Longword of Good Deeds. Any Assassins or thieves within a mile
radius turn to a fine blue mist when wielded. Any impure thoughts are quickly dealt with through self-mutilation by the Paladin’s own horse.

FOREST DWELLER: This class of human usually resides in a log cabin, never shaves, and stockpiles huge amounts of weapons, in the fear that the government will take over and a revolution will soon need to take place. At Level 22, they have the ability to send explosive devices through the mail and, if threatened, light their own compound on fire to avoid capture.
They can have multiple spouses, usually pre-teens with a disposition to older men.

ILLUSIONIST: This character really doesn’t exist.

WARVISH DWARLORD: A new class in which the character speaks in his own made up language, usually by adding "ABA" to the end of the word, or talking backwards. At Level 16, they can make secret hand signs with other members of their race and communicate solely through the positioning of their eyebrows. They are the instigators of the anomaly known as "Doggy Foom" on which the name of the game is based.

ASSASSASSIN: This Character class is obsessed with Anal Sex and all combat is of that nature.
At Level 5, they get the unique "Fisting" ability added to their "Lubricant" Spell. At Level 35 they get to enhance their "Backstab" ability and... well, I think you get the picture?

PIXIE: Come on, who really wants to be a pixie? 5 inches tall and only have spells to make people sneeze? Get real!

PIXIE KILLER: Now we’re talking! This character has the ability, at Level 1, to have no tolerance for pixies and their stupid sneezing spells and can crush them in his/her hand and watch the guts spray all over!

SWORD FODDER: This class at Level 1, can’t fight or even do anything but cower as the attacker approaches. If they manage to reach Level 2, they win the game!

BARBAROUS ARISTOCRAT: This character class sits around all day being served fine wines and bon-bons by their butlers in their mansions, all the while sitting around with only a loincloth on. Their frequent beheadings are usually done when the other members of the aristocracy come by for a formal dinner.

DARK ELF - This racial class is frequently asked to sit at the back of the coach, drink from separate well springs, and precede all non-Dark Elves into battle. Even enemy Archers will use a different arrow when killing a Dark Elf. They will be refused service at the local pub and will be many decades before one will be admitted into the NGA - National Gladiators Association, where they will eventually excel and be the majority one day. They abhor the cold and don’t swim very well. They enjoy all forms of Fried Chicken and something called Barbeque.

LIGHT ELF - This racial class all look like Michael Jackson.

MIDGETLING - (Not a Hobbit) A small human-like race with hairy feet, who enjoy life to it’s fullest, but not like a Hobbit! They live in small caves nestled into a hill with large wooden non-Hobbit like doors and they do non-Hobbit like things, such as pipe smoking and dancing on the table at a local pub. The place where they live is called The Shire, but not like The Shire in The Lord of the Rings, no... quite different indeed! This Shire is badly in need of a gardener like Samwise Gamgee who lives here... but not the Samwise Gamgee from Lord of the Rings, no... this Sam Gamgee lost a toe in a shovel incident. There’s no Bag End in this Shire, or family named Baggins, because they’ve all gone off to that War of the Ring thing and....oops, I meant... vacation.

ANTI-UBER PALADIN - This class is the opposite of the UBER PALADIN. They’re evil, plain and simple. Some titles for the various ranks of this class are ; Video Non-Rewinder, Dog-kicker, Cat Kicker, Baby Kicker, Chicken Raper, Egg Thrower, Toilet Paper Thrower, Dog Crap in a Flaming Paper Bag Setter, Tire Slasher, Eating a Sweet From the Bulk Bin Without Paying for It, Line Cutter, Theater Jumper, and the coveted grand title of Bane of Humanity.
　
HERE ARE SOME NEW ITEMS AND WEAPONS ALSO ADDED:

The Sword of the Merciless - When this sword is discovered in Dungeon 327, the wielder kills all without mercy even members of his own party.

Staff of Ra - This is used in the maproom to find out the location of the Well of Souls. But, take back one Kadam to honor the Hebrew god who’s Ark this is. (Used in cooperation with Amblin Entertainment and Paramount Pictures)

Wand of Stinger Missiles - Take out any flying creatures with this wand found in BeetleBroth’s hideout. It’s a shoulder mounted wand and it only fires once, but you can sell it to the ragheads in the Desert of Fools for 1,000,000 gold pieces.

+20 Trash Can Lid - Pretend, just like when you were a kid, that this shield makes you invisible
and comes back to you when you throw it!

Armor Deviled Ham - A strange, canned, minced meat with a pungent odor used to spread on bread and sustain oneself for another adventure. Has a devil on the wrapper. May be evil? Watch your Karma Level.

Arrow of Splinters - These arrows break as soon as you pull them from the quiver.

Thor’s Empty Toolbox - He has the hammer with him, don’t know where the rest of the tools are? He probably loaned them out and never got them back!

Balin’s Breath - Not really sure, but it smells like Deviled Ham. Could be evil?

Ring of Moods - a clear, glass ring, which when worn, shows you the mood of the wearer. The glass ring doesn’t change color, or anything but you can see it in their face.

Hutt of Baba Yaga - A strange hut which walks around on chicken legs and has a million interdimensional rooms inside it. Could be accompanied by the Tome of Plagiarism.

Glitch of Glitches - With this item you can: travel under the map and kill other players without them seeing you, get unlimited gold, get unlimited hit points, get unlimited experience points, have your character dance like a fool, walk through objects, see through objects, unlock a previously published game, unlock retro costumes, change the frame rate, e-mail at the same moment, download porn, and save your character to another person’s file to attack them while the game is off.

Here are some testimonials from virgins who sit at home playing with themselves all day:

"I love Orcfest 3: Shadows of Foggy Doom. My Level 35 Accountant has handled the kingdom’s wealth for years now. He’s always Crediting and Debiting, but his real talent lies in his ability to avoid a jail sentence by keeping two books of all the money accounts." - Mark Utility - Pittsburgh, PA

" I frequently find myself touching the naughty parts of my body when the erotic images appear on the screen. I quickly grab a bottle of-----", Sorry. This is a testimonial from another site!

"Beware the Wrath of Krugat, you useless mother-F@#kers! With my +30 Sword of Smite, I Smite you! You’ve been smote! BEEOCHES!" - Stephen Kriegersmoson - Speedbump, AK (His account has been revoked in order to make the other players a little less likely to hunt him down in real life.)

"World of Warcraft is a piece of s**t! Orcfest 3: Shadows of Foggy Doom IS the s**t! Where else can you dismember someone on line while drinking Redbull and getting fat on Cheetos. My self esteem has been raised to the point where I can actually talk to a girl without vomiting." - Bill Myerson - Somewhere near the Great Barrier Reef

"I think I’m the only girl who spends hundreds of hours on this game. It’s probably because I don’t douche regularly or wash my t*ts."- Grace Himmler - Okietown, WI