NEW ORCFEST 3 CARD TRADING GAME: Orcfest 3 - Adventures in the 2nd Dimension

     We here at UnixEnix have determined that we've just not made enough cash with a simple video game which has millions of users worldwide, and it's just not enough to charge $19.99 a month to use that service to those millions of users.  We need to hook the younger crowd, like using Joe Camel to sell cigarettes to young kids, we need to come up with a trading card game to hook them, because they don't have credit cards or their own computer to waste valuable hours on a time wasting video game.  It's hard for these pre-teens to "ditch" school to play our game while they're parents are at work, especially when their parents drive them to the front doors every morning.

     So, we came up with an exciting new concept of Orcfest 3: Adventures in the 2nd Dimension.  Cool, right?  Cards are two-dimensional... pretty clever, huh? Our concept artists spent many sleepless and licquor-filled nights coming up with the drawings for these cards.  Some of them even had to get divorces and restraining orders due to the strain on their marriages and relationships due to the time crunch we were under.  The art stands alone as the single most important aspect to the success of the cards... along with the cash, so their sacrifice is greatly appreciated. 
     Our decision to include a tasteless card-sized, pink mass of a piece of chewing gum, didn't come easily to us, but we wanted to relive our roots.  We here at UnixEnix grew up with trading cards and that piece of gum that would shatter if you looked at it wrong, was an iconic time in our youth.  That piece of pink "Soylent Green" kept us going as children.
     But, enough about us!  The game is awsesome and the rules actually make sense.  Also, we've added the silver, pressed laminated collector's card in every twelfth pack to keep kids buying the cards even though they've probably got fourteen of every card already.
     And in order to really take our young customers nerd-dom to a whole new level, we've included special card stickers they can put on their notebooks and be laughed at by everyone at school.  Also, in order to keep the parents buying the cards, we've included a free nicotine patch in every 20th pack, so they have the chance to live longer and buy our products.

THE RULES:

     Each player is called a Festivian Battlerager and has a magical deck of gum-smelling summoning cards.  Each player gets to draw 8 cards from his or her deck, except the player to the right of each player who gets to pick an additional 2 cards.  They then have to play a terrain card first before they can play any creature cards, except flying creatures and swimming creatures and arboreal creatures, as long as they played a tree card first.
     If a card has a +1 on attack rating at the bottom of the card below the temper rating then they can attack out of turn any other card or player.  If the card does not have this then the player to the left of the turn player can pick a card from the bottom of the 2nd player to the dealer's right's pile.  If the order becomes confusing, just remember "righty-tighty, lefty-loosy".

     Any spell cards have a lightning bolt border on them, except the lightning bolt spell which has a firegate border around it to avoid confusion.  They can only be played at the beginning of the player's turn, the middle and the end of the turn, as well as the epilogue.  They can always be used as a defense against an attack from another player in a "rock-paper-scissors" situation, or in this case, "battle-axe, parchment, guillotine".
     Terrain cards are to include the following:  Swamp, Mudslide, Junkyard, Lava-riddled, Snow, Glacier, Michigan, Wasteland, Gravel, Cornfield, and Gettysburg Memorial Battlefield.
     Cards are separated into Disciplines which reflect the Battlerager's
alignment or life interests.  They include; Druidic, Magic-Abuser, Necromancy, Necrophilia, Necropolis, Teeth of the Wolf, Fin of the Shark, Balls of the Monkey, Aerial-Magic, Earth-Magic, Fire-Magic, Earth Wind and Fire-Magic, and our favorite Orc Warcrusher.
     The Orc Warcrusher is hard to obtain by merely buying many packs of cards and hoping to get these rare cards, you must buy boxes of cards and e-mail the secret code inside the lid, so that we can send you one card at a time over many weeks or years at great shipping expense.  Nothing is too good for our young, and now quite probably addicted fans.
      So, in closing, the new card game release is set for May 5th, 2010.  Be the first to obtain the cards and forge your new status as a schoolyard Festivian Battlerager!

"Wow, the rare platinum encrusted Orc-Warcrusher 1000 attack card, and on my first pack! Wait'll I tell the guys!"  - Excerpt from 40 year old's rant after buying his first pack of cards     

SEND IN THE DWARVES

The dwarven race has always been a huge staple in the fantasy literature genre.  They have been such a staple, that even the largest and most efficient staple remover could never pry them from the genre.  This short, stout and bearded race enjoys mining and fighting for the right to mine.  If their name doesn't reflect the fact that they're a miner, then they just aren't a dwarf.  Names like Shaleshovel and Flintrockslide are common enough, but pale in comparison to the names inviolving their second passion, fighting.

With surnames like; skull-splitter, orc-cleaver, hammercrush, gutripper, dograper, lightonfire, axethroughthe head, etc. The dwarf reigns supreme in the future speed metal band's choice of names list.  The dwarf frequently spends his entire life with a horned helmet (one horn broken), engraved armor and a huge battle-axe strapped to his back.  Dwarven sex usually involves a long period of foreplay where both parties spend massive amounts of time removing armor and weapons.  They usually give up, and that's why dwarves only usually have one offspring in a single 800 year lifetime.

Dwarves always speak in some sort of scottish or irish accent and say "Lad" a lot, even to females they meet throughout an adventure.  They usually like to drink ale or mead and frequently fight after doing so, or mine for precious gems after they get a buzz going.  Dwarves can outdrink any race, including the irish, and can keep their heads in combat, even while the rest of the party is being beheaded.

The most common aspect of dwarven society is their beards.  They are the only race that has beards with 100% of the male population and 98% of the female population, the other 2% being some sort of he/she hybrid which is usually thrown from the nearest mountaintop.  Their beards are notorious for holding bird's nests, dribbled alcoholic beverages, spittle, tobacco residue, burrs, insects, bottles of alcoholic beverages, 

and japanese soldiers who don't know the war is over.

Some of the most famous dwarves are the ones from Snow White; Sleepy, Sleazy, Dopehead, Sneezy, Dork, Frumpy, and Happy.  Some others are Gimlet, from Lord of the Rings, Danny DeVito, the ones from that reality show that have normal size kids, and any chick under 5 feet. 

Dwarves in our game dwell in a huge underground city called, Thundermine.  They have thousands living in hovels carved into the cave walls and hoist water up in pails on ropes from a huge underground river called Thunderiver.  Here, they have frequent get-togethers known as Thunderparties, where they drink until they pass out, or stumble into a bottomless pit called, Thunderpit.

Their king, Burp Splitskuller, is their greatest warrior.  He has seen hundreds of campaigns against enemies like the orcs or the elves, and in an act of drunken stubbornness, the dwarves! His legendary axe "Cleavon Little" has helped him to maintain superiority for centuries.  Nobody has had the courage to challenge him for authority, even when the majority of the population is sober.

So, when choosing a dwarven character, your choices are; fighter, warrior and brawler.  Theire are no magic based dwarven characters, nor are their any professions other than mining (except for the brewing profession). Remember, to make him look cool.  I suggest the one horned helmet and the ornate armor with the matching battle-axe.  If you don't like that, don't pick a dwarf.

"By the Power of Caved-in Skull" - King Burp Splitskuller raises his axe to the sky, expecting a lightning bolt to strike him, but nothing happens.   

CHEATS

In one of our first posts on the ORCFEST 3 Blog, we went over some cheats in order to help you get more involved with the game and to give the "Noobs" a leg up on the competition.  Let's face it, some of these Level 70 guys will pull your head off and sh*t down the hole, with all the magic stuff they've been collecting for the past few years.

If the Glimmer Balls are giving you trouble, go to the bottom of the screen and click on the "Search for Party" icon and look for a group of similar level characters to help you.  If this doesn't work, go to the bottom of your screen, and on the lower left, hit "Start" and then "Shutdown".

If you are of the Hunter class, make sure you train a good animal companion.  The platypus, emu or gerbil are excellent choices.

Watch frequently for Dragon "Doody", if you see a huge shadow getting larger and larger over your character.

Remember, war is not the answer, unless you're an orc, then kick some serious elf butt!

Make sure you feed your dead party members to the Arch-Demon on Level 29's 3rd dungeon.

100 copper= 1 silver

100 silver= 1 gold

100 gold= 1 platinum

100 platinum= 1 diamond

100 diamond= one ounce of whale pheromone on the black market

The skeletons roaming the Stormbleach Keep can only be defeated by re-enacting that scene from "Jason and the Argonauts".

MANA is not used as a measure of magical power in this game.  We use the term, GLITTER.

Devour the pancreas of the Voldrani Bungbeasts in order to heal quickly after a battle.

There's various running styles for your character as you cavort through the realms:  Wedgie, Wet underwear, corn cob up the A$$, and I think I just crapped myself.

Remember to hesitate before you're about to cast the ring into the volcanic fire.

That Jason Statham fantasy movie (based on a piece of crap game) was a piece of crap.  The orc copies in that piece of crap,  looked like crap.

As you make decisions in the game, there are little game pixies who actually roll the dice for the events unfolding on the screen.  Feed them a cookie now and then.

When creating a character, make it one of the opposite sex, so you can feel what it's really like to be that.

In Golimsbad, be sure to visit Farnsworth the Freak, and get his herbal remedy at the dispensary, since they passed that law a few years back.

The buzzing noise you hear frequently in Gornfang Forest is not a bug in the programming, but huge swarms of bees lurking just offscreen, which you can't kill, disperse or interact with at all.

All guards are A-holes!  Kill them without mercy.

When pickpocketing as a thief, make sure you're sulking.

Sorry, that didn't make any sense, I meant skulking.

Oops!  I meant, make sure you're a Skull-King, that's a level 25 thief of the guild.

When going on a "Ravage" with other players make sure you leave no huts unburned.

At random, the spoken "Shakespearean" dialect of the elves will be put into the orc character's lines in the game, and at the speed of "Alvin and the Chipmunks".

When fighting the "Spectral" undead, make sure you use EVP and your thermal camera.  Go over your findings with your host at the end of the show.

Arrows flying into your character don't neccessarily mean the person firing them is your enemy.  Check your Charisma level.

Breathing underwater causes instant death.  Holding your breath underwater causes a little bar graph to appear above your character.

They had explosives in that LOTR movie? What the sh^t is that?!

An evil alignment usually means that your tires are wearing more on one side than the other.

Remember to look for the Dragon's weakness.  It's usually chocodiles.

The endless trees in the game are all individually crafted by the greatest of computer programmers.  The stupid names of the places and creatures in the game are all individually thought up by stoner dropouts.

The endless barrel smashing, while looking for treasure, can get a little tedious.  Pretend you're Elliot Ness and you're giving it to those bootleggers!

Thanks for reading our latest Cheat entry. I hope this gets you to Level 50 quicker than that pederast ELFSPLITER666, that guy has been a bug up my a$$ since we started this game.  Every time I try to get into the Dungeon of  Ill Repute he's always there to snub me and kill my 25th level Orc Shaman, so I have to start over again at my save point.

"If you cheat, the world dies a little bit around you" - Philosophical B.S. from Borador the Fallen

Send in the Elves

Well, we can't keep going on and on about Orcs, not while there's a pasty teabag of a race called the Elves that we can go on about endlessly.  Thanks to Drizzt Do'Urden and Orlando Bloom's portrayal of the otherwise on-the-page faggot of an elf,  Legolas,  the elves have dominated the MMORPG character lists for years.  The #1 race picked by overweight chicks from coast to coast, the elves reign supreme in their vegan, tree-hugging realms.

A magical race of thin, beautiful, flowing locked homosexuals has made a huge impact on the fantasy genre in the last 80 years or so.  Before modern heroic fantasy, the elves were stuck at the North Pole making wooden toys for Santa Claus, now they wield double bladed swords and can shoot the eye out of a Goblin at 100 yards.

They are one with the forest and live for a 1,000 years.  They enjoy pools of radiant water in which they get at least 200+ channels, and spout Shakespeare like you've never heard it before.   Their most endearing quality is their languages: Mundanian and Quiznosian.  Only true nerds can speak these languages of the shimmering realms fluently.  They can only be supplanted by the Trekkers who speak Klingon... which, let's face it, is a real language.

Most players pick an elf warlock and then they deck him out with various rods, wands and staffs and play him until he reaches level 50, where they then sell him to some idiot in Des Moines for $250.  The players can't wait until this character can summon armies of imps, wield chain lightning and excrete pure fantasy pleasure as they mow down orc villages with a conjuration or two.

The Elf Hunter is also good, with his trusty longbow and companion forest wolf at his side.  This class was usually an ex-electric guitar guy from the 70's who lives in Michigan and hunts wild pigs on his own ranch.

And let's not forget the Elf Druid.  This class is the tree-raper of tree-huggers!  All they do all day is collect herbs and talk to stalks of corn.  Their only defense is to entangle their attackers with vines from a nearby thicket and cower in the corner.  But, the druids are cool, I mean, they built Stonehenge didn't they?

  

THE DARK ELVES

From the pages of the Nearly Forgotten Realms books, the character of Drizzit Dough'Urden has been the forerunner of the dark elf character.  Singlehandedly, one character has defined a race sought after by D & D geeks and RPG players all over the world.

The dark elves are cool because they just don't give a f%$k!  They live underground with no sunlight and worship some kind of Lovecraftian demon god.  Their society is chaotic and violent, where family houses fight  for control of the housing market and property values of the underworld.

They are usually black skinned and with flowing white hair, which is obviously a weave of some kind.  They use cunning and assassination to get ahead in life, much like John Wilkes Boothe.

Their evil innate powers are:  levitation and a globe of darkness, which the latter blocks everyone from seeing the strings which create the levitation illusion. Let's face it, they're pretty friggin cool!

Come on, I know you've done it?  You've made an elf character, then you darkened his skin and made his hair all white and tried to call him Drizzt... only to have the game tell you "That name is not available".  And, that's because the first guy whoever logged in to play our game used that name before anyone else, thinking he was so into fanatsy and everyone would love the "reference" to the dark elf.

Anyhow, enjoy your Elf, whatever his class may be and make him look cool would'ya please?

"Fare thee well stout-hearted traveller." - an elf in Lothlortigan Woods, being a total fag.

FAMOUS ORCS THROUGHOUT POPULAR CULTURE

We are proud to share these photos of famous orcs throughout popular culture that have helped to shape the modern version of the orc we all know and love to this day.  Remember the evil that they represent and that will make it a little easier to accept these iconic monsters of the greatest fantasy epics of all time.  

"You soul stealing bastard!" - Battlecry of Elmond the Hunter as a tourist tries to take his photo.  (The tourist was killed seconds after the outburst, because he didn't know about Elmond's people and their fear of cameras.)

The Future of the Orc

Hah!  Looking at that picture above you didn't believe me about the ROBO-ORC thing in the previous post didya?!

Well, it seems that the orc may be outliving his uselessness afterall.  We've seen fantasy properties where orc-like creatures are called different names like; Hurlocks, Grunts, Grogs, Mogs, etc.  But, let's really call it what it is... an orc! Changing a green guy's name doesn't cloud the fact that you plagiarized the hell out of someone's work.  If it grunts and walks like a Planet of the Apes reject, then an orc by any other name would smell as nasty.

A huge iconic race of characters was created by a stuck up british guy in the 1940's and they've been with us ever since.  So, yeah, he lived through WWI and saw the orcs as the German war machine bearing down on him while he slogged through the mud ridden trenches.  Yeah, he saw the rise of Hitler and the Nazis and made an allegory about Saruman and the Uruk-Hai .  He even inspired some "down under" filmmaker to replicate Hitler's speech at Nuremburg, with Saruman preaching to the thousands of orcs below the Tower of Orthanc.  Yeah, he also saw his forests being eradicated by what he thought were orcs, out of the view from his balcony.  Damn, Tolkien was out of it, wasn't he?

But, today, what do the orcs really mean to us in our everyday lives? Maybe it's your green skinned, tusk encrusted boss hovering over you as you slave at that cubicle job?  Maybe it's your smelly, green breasted wife nagging at you to keep your battle-axe off of the coffee table? Maybe the orcs represent the pounds of fast food slogging away through your intestines and ravaging your colon with ladders on hooks and siege machines?  I believe they represent evil in the way it was meant to be represented, green with tusks jutting out of their bottom jaw, ready to cleave you in two.

And what of the future?  Do the orcs have a place in our Facebook and Twitter society?  Maybe, the orc will evolve into pure A.I. and cause the downfall of man? Maybe O.R.C.  is a three letter word, an acronym for the apocalypse... and by apocalypse, I mean a bunch of green guys with tusks crashing through your front door with battle-axes.  Just maybe it's the 666 we've been looking for; the Number of the Beast!  O is the 15th letter multiplied by R and using the square value of C.... well it doesn't come out to 666, but you get the idea.

I think the future holds more orc copies than we've ever seen before, because screen writers and authors are lazy individuals and like to use the "homage" excuse for everything.  Oh, it's an "homage" to Lord of the Rings!  Let me tell you something, cousin.  Lord of the Rings doesn't need any more "homages", in fact the entire fantasy section at your local bookstore is a Lord of the Rings "homage"!  And more game developers will have their Orcfest "homages" now, so be ready for the next orc incarnation to show up, crawling out from under the toilet rim while your trying to take a peacful crap. That's how bad it's going to get!

"Thank you sir, may I have another" - Sir Belvedoorknob receiving pennance from his horse.

THE HISTORY OF THE ORC

It is a well known fact that the Semi-Genius intellect of J.R.B. Tolkeen came up with the Orc race in his epic tale of little midget people trying to find a pawn shop in order to pawn a ring and save their little village from epic destruction.  In his yarn, he created a new race of evil creatures called the Orcs. 

Theories abound on the creation of the actual name and that he named the Orc after the "Oxford Rugby Club", an evil form of British football which involves crushing the opposing team's genitalia.  Another theory is that the Orcs were the evil form of the Elves and he simply needed a three letter name that sounded evil.  Neither theories can ever be proven since Tolkeen died more than 30 years ago and "Speaking to the Dead" spells only exist in our game and not real life.

In his farcical tale, Froto battles waves of Orcs with his sword "Stung" to defend the ring from falling into the hands of Sarumoan the Lord of the Rings.  We're not sure who Saruman and Sauron are, but we combined the characters into one to make the tale a little less confusing.  I mean, what are the odds of the two bad guys in one work of fiction having the same name?
Anyhoo, Saruman mated the Goblins and the Trolls, or something, to come up with the "Oorook-High" the elite Orc that can travel in the day in order to find that stupid ass ring.  Meanwhile, Sauron's Mordar Orcs were massing in a castle named "Minus Morgan" waiting for a huge blue bolt to shoot out of the top which apparently tells them to start marching on the humans and elves.
As the tale ends, the orcs fall through the Earth when the ring is destroyed and the ground breaks apart... o.k. whatever?

But, the Orcs did not die altogether.  They cropped up later in a small game made up by these mega-geeks in the 70's called "Dungeons and Dragons"  In this game, you could be a half-orc, but not a full orc, since full orcs were evil and you couldn't be that in the game.  I mean, if you play a game you need to be the good guy, right?  But, you could choose your character's alignment, especially "Chaotic Evil" which is what the orcs were anyway, so I don't see the difference?  The orc legacy was just beginning.

After the advent of computer games, the orc really began to flourish.  They were very prominent in a little game called "Warhammer" and later the 'Warhammer 5000".  In this game the orcs have terrible scottish accents, akin to Shrek, and constantly announce how the various points on the battlefield now belong to them. They set the standard of the green skin, jutting tusks and foul smelling (of which I'm assuming, since smell in a video game has yet to be invented) monster of a fantasy realm.

But the orcs did not achieve the rightful status of Fantasy Icon until the advent of an underground, little known game called "World of Warcrap", sorry "Warcraft". (They are, after all, a direct competitor for our MMORPG dollar) In this game, Blizzard Entertainment has seen fit to copy the Warhammer orcs into yet another game, keeping them a various shade of green and the whole jutting tusk theme is still there.  But, they added magical orcs, as well, thus making them a little less of the clobbering, moronic characters they were in the past.  The Orc Shaman became popular, a cross between a native american and a green-skinned, tusk-jutting monstrosity.

Here at UnixEnix, we have taken the orc to the nth degree and actually named our game after the popular race.  In our game, you can be:

Full Orc,
Half-Orc
Half-Orc/Half-Elf
Half Orc/Cherokee Indian
Mongolian and a direct descendant of Ghengis Kahn
Half-Orc/Half-Klingon
Robo-Orc
Orc and Mindy
Dwarvish Orclord
Orc-Rinds
Orcky Pig

In our game, however the green skin and jutting tusks are still there, I mean, why mess with perfection, right?

Our orcs are actually available in various alignments including: Evil, Mega-Evil, Holocaust-Evil, Ultimate-Evil, Dropping Second A Bomb on Japan-Evil, Second-Hand Smoke-Evil and Lawful Good.
Orcs are best when wielding the battle-axe or club with rusty nails jutting out of it.  They enjoy eating their victims, beheading their victims while they are still alive, and quiet walks on the beach.
The best classes for orc characters are fighters, brawlers and fisti-cuffs, whatever that is? Isn't that those gold or silver things your grandfather used to put on his long sleeved shirt cuffs before going to church?
Orcs are very disorganized and frequently run in circles when attacked, lacking the organizational skills needed in order to form a battle plan.  Their battle plan is usually, to rip the arm off their closest opponent, and beat the other opponents to death with it.

After the first few months, the online player's favorite character race of choice was not the orcs... go figure?
They seemed to prefer effeminate male elf characters with long flowing locks and square jaws.  We here at UnixEnix believe they're just being gay and don't know the power of the orc character.  Now, more months go by, and the new favorite is the "Undead" racial class we put in as a joke, thinking nobody would actually want to be a zombie? But, we were wrong as lumbering zombies began to reach level 25 and having their own castles and armies to command!
Where were the Orc-lovers? We named the damned game after them for christ-sakes!  A year into it, a player named DUMBLEDOR543 snuck in as the first to reach level 50 with his Orc Shaman.  This orc was the epitome of the magical orc character we had always dreamed of.  But, sadly DUMBLEDOR543 was addicted to our game, lost his job and all sources of income and now he can't play because he's in an asylum addicted to anti-depressants.
But, here as we're now five years into the Orcfest games, the orc reigns supreme as the No.1 character that a new player starts out with, gets bored with and then creates a new one based on his/her rendition of Drizzt Do'Urden.
I hope you, as a player will revisit the orc character as the number one villianous fantasy race ever created in literature, role-playing games and video games.

"All Trespassers will be eviscer... evsier....ivers... gutted like a fish!" - Sign outside the Orc village of Bloodspurt