NEW ORCFEST 3 CARD TRADING GAME: Orcfest 3 - Adventures in the 2nd Dimension

     We here at UnixEnix have determined that we've just not made enough cash with a simple video game which has millions of users worldwide, and it's just not enough to charge $19.99 a month to use that service to those millions of users.  We need to hook the younger crowd, like using Joe Camel to sell cigarettes to young kids, we need to come up with a trading card game to hook them, because they don't have credit cards or their own computer to waste valuable hours on a time wasting video game.  It's hard for these pre-teens to "ditch" school to play our game while they're parents are at work, especially when their parents drive them to the front doors every morning.

     So, we came up with an exciting new concept of Orcfest 3: Adventures in the 2nd Dimension.  Cool, right?  Cards are two-dimensional... pretty clever, huh? Our concept artists spent many sleepless and licquor-filled nights coming up with the drawings for these cards.  Some of them even had to get divorces and restraining orders due to the strain on their marriages and relationships due to the time crunch we were under.  The art stands alone as the single most important aspect to the success of the cards... along with the cash, so their sacrifice is greatly appreciated. 
     Our decision to include a tasteless card-sized, pink mass of a piece of chewing gum, didn't come easily to us, but we wanted to relive our roots.  We here at UnixEnix grew up with trading cards and that piece of gum that would shatter if you looked at it wrong, was an iconic time in our youth.  That piece of pink "Soylent Green" kept us going as children.
     But, enough about us!  The game is awsesome and the rules actually make sense.  Also, we've added the silver, pressed laminated collector's card in every twelfth pack to keep kids buying the cards even though they've probably got fourteen of every card already.
     And in order to really take our young customers nerd-dom to a whole new level, we've included special card stickers they can put on their notebooks and be laughed at by everyone at school.  Also, in order to keep the parents buying the cards, we've included a free nicotine patch in every 20th pack, so they have the chance to live longer and buy our products.

THE RULES:

     Each player is called a Festivian Battlerager and has a magical deck of gum-smelling summoning cards.  Each player gets to draw 8 cards from his or her deck, except the player to the right of each player who gets to pick an additional 2 cards.  They then have to play a terrain card first before they can play any creature cards, except flying creatures and swimming creatures and arboreal creatures, as long as they played a tree card first.
     If a card has a +1 on attack rating at the bottom of the card below the temper rating then they can attack out of turn any other card or player.  If the card does not have this then the player to the left of the turn player can pick a card from the bottom of the 2nd player to the dealer's right's pile.  If the order becomes confusing, just remember "righty-tighty, lefty-loosy".

     Any spell cards have a lightning bolt border on them, except the lightning bolt spell which has a firegate border around it to avoid confusion.  They can only be played at the beginning of the player's turn, the middle and the end of the turn, as well as the epilogue.  They can always be used as a defense against an attack from another player in a "rock-paper-scissors" situation, or in this case, "battle-axe, parchment, guillotine".
     Terrain cards are to include the following:  Swamp, Mudslide, Junkyard, Lava-riddled, Snow, Glacier, Michigan, Wasteland, Gravel, Cornfield, and Gettysburg Memorial Battlefield.
     Cards are separated into Disciplines which reflect the Battlerager's
alignment or life interests.  They include; Druidic, Magic-Abuser, Necromancy, Necrophilia, Necropolis, Teeth of the Wolf, Fin of the Shark, Balls of the Monkey, Aerial-Magic, Earth-Magic, Fire-Magic, Earth Wind and Fire-Magic, and our favorite Orc Warcrusher.
     The Orc Warcrusher is hard to obtain by merely buying many packs of cards and hoping to get these rare cards, you must buy boxes of cards and e-mail the secret code inside the lid, so that we can send you one card at a time over many weeks or years at great shipping expense.  Nothing is too good for our young, and now quite probably addicted fans.
      So, in closing, the new card game release is set for May 5th, 2010.  Be the first to obtain the cards and forge your new status as a schoolyard Festivian Battlerager!

"Wow, the rare platinum encrusted Orc-Warcrusher 1000 attack card, and on my first pack! Wait'll I tell the guys!"  - Excerpt from 40 year old's rant after buying his first pack of cards