SEND IN THE DWARVES

The dwarven race has always been a huge staple in the fantasy literature genre.  They have been such a staple, that even the largest and most efficient staple remover could never pry them from the genre.  This short, stout and bearded race enjoys mining and fighting for the right to mine.  If their name doesn't reflect the fact that they're a miner, then they just aren't a dwarf.  Names like Shaleshovel and Flintrockslide are common enough, but pale in comparison to the names inviolving their second passion, fighting.

With surnames like; skull-splitter, orc-cleaver, hammercrush, gutripper, dograper, lightonfire, axethroughthe head, etc. The dwarf reigns supreme in the future speed metal band's choice of names list.  The dwarf frequently spends his entire life with a horned helmet (one horn broken), engraved armor and a huge battle-axe strapped to his back.  Dwarven sex usually involves a long period of foreplay where both parties spend massive amounts of time removing armor and weapons.  They usually give up, and that's why dwarves only usually have one offspring in a single 800 year lifetime.

Dwarves always speak in some sort of scottish or irish accent and say "Lad" a lot, even to females they meet throughout an adventure.  They usually like to drink ale or mead and frequently fight after doing so, or mine for precious gems after they get a buzz going.  Dwarves can outdrink any race, including the irish, and can keep their heads in combat, even while the rest of the party is being beheaded.

The most common aspect of dwarven society is their beards.  They are the only race that has beards with 100% of the male population and 98% of the female population, the other 2% being some sort of he/she hybrid which is usually thrown from the nearest mountaintop.  Their beards are notorious for holding bird's nests, dribbled alcoholic beverages, spittle, tobacco residue, burrs, insects, bottles of alcoholic beverages, 

and japanese soldiers who don't know the war is over.

Some of the most famous dwarves are the ones from Snow White; Sleepy, Sleazy, Dopehead, Sneezy, Dork, Frumpy, and Happy.  Some others are Gimlet, from Lord of the Rings, Danny DeVito, the ones from that reality show that have normal size kids, and any chick under 5 feet. 

Dwarves in our game dwell in a huge underground city called, Thundermine.  They have thousands living in hovels carved into the cave walls and hoist water up in pails on ropes from a huge underground river called Thunderiver.  Here, they have frequent get-togethers known as Thunderparties, where they drink until they pass out, or stumble into a bottomless pit called, Thunderpit.

Their king, Burp Splitskuller, is their greatest warrior.  He has seen hundreds of campaigns against enemies like the orcs or the elves, and in an act of drunken stubbornness, the dwarves! His legendary axe "Cleavon Little" has helped him to maintain superiority for centuries.  Nobody has had the courage to challenge him for authority, even when the majority of the population is sober.

So, when choosing a dwarven character, your choices are; fighter, warrior and brawler.  Theire are no magic based dwarven characters, nor are their any professions other than mining (except for the brewing profession). Remember, to make him look cool.  I suggest the one horned helmet and the ornate armor with the matching battle-axe.  If you don't like that, don't pick a dwarf.

"By the Power of Caved-in Skull" - King Burp Splitskuller raises his axe to the sky, expecting a lightning bolt to strike him, but nothing happens.