NEW ORCFEST 3 CARD TRADING GAME: Orcfest 3 - Adventures in the 2nd Dimension

     We here at UnixEnix have determined that we've just not made enough cash with a simple video game which has millions of users worldwide, and it's just not enough to charge $19.99 a month to use that service to those millions of users.  We need to hook the younger crowd, like using Joe Camel to sell cigarettes to young kids, we need to come up with a trading card game to hook them, because they don't have credit cards or their own computer to waste valuable hours on a time wasting video game.  It's hard for these pre-teens to "ditch" school to play our game while they're parents are at work, especially when their parents drive them to the front doors every morning.

     So, we came up with an exciting new concept of Orcfest 3: Adventures in the 2nd Dimension.  Cool, right?  Cards are two-dimensional... pretty clever, huh? Our concept artists spent many sleepless and licquor-filled nights coming up with the drawings for these cards.  Some of them even had to get divorces and restraining orders due to the strain on their marriages and relationships due to the time crunch we were under.  The art stands alone as the single most important aspect to the success of the cards... along with the cash, so their sacrifice is greatly appreciated. 
     Our decision to include a tasteless card-sized, pink mass of a piece of chewing gum, didn't come easily to us, but we wanted to relive our roots.  We here at UnixEnix grew up with trading cards and that piece of gum that would shatter if you looked at it wrong, was an iconic time in our youth.  That piece of pink "Soylent Green" kept us going as children.
     But, enough about us!  The game is awsesome and the rules actually make sense.  Also, we've added the silver, pressed laminated collector's card in every twelfth pack to keep kids buying the cards even though they've probably got fourteen of every card already.
     And in order to really take our young customers nerd-dom to a whole new level, we've included special card stickers they can put on their notebooks and be laughed at by everyone at school.  Also, in order to keep the parents buying the cards, we've included a free nicotine patch in every 20th pack, so they have the chance to live longer and buy our products.

THE RULES:

     Each player is called a Festivian Battlerager and has a magical deck of gum-smelling summoning cards.  Each player gets to draw 8 cards from his or her deck, except the player to the right of each player who gets to pick an additional 2 cards.  They then have to play a terrain card first before they can play any creature cards, except flying creatures and swimming creatures and arboreal creatures, as long as they played a tree card first.
     If a card has a +1 on attack rating at the bottom of the card below the temper rating then they can attack out of turn any other card or player.  If the card does not have this then the player to the left of the turn player can pick a card from the bottom of the 2nd player to the dealer's right's pile.  If the order becomes confusing, just remember "righty-tighty, lefty-loosy".

     Any spell cards have a lightning bolt border on them, except the lightning bolt spell which has a firegate border around it to avoid confusion.  They can only be played at the beginning of the player's turn, the middle and the end of the turn, as well as the epilogue.  They can always be used as a defense against an attack from another player in a "rock-paper-scissors" situation, or in this case, "battle-axe, parchment, guillotine".
     Terrain cards are to include the following:  Swamp, Mudslide, Junkyard, Lava-riddled, Snow, Glacier, Michigan, Wasteland, Gravel, Cornfield, and Gettysburg Memorial Battlefield.
     Cards are separated into Disciplines which reflect the Battlerager's
alignment or life interests.  They include; Druidic, Magic-Abuser, Necromancy, Necrophilia, Necropolis, Teeth of the Wolf, Fin of the Shark, Balls of the Monkey, Aerial-Magic, Earth-Magic, Fire-Magic, Earth Wind and Fire-Magic, and our favorite Orc Warcrusher.
     The Orc Warcrusher is hard to obtain by merely buying many packs of cards and hoping to get these rare cards, you must buy boxes of cards and e-mail the secret code inside the lid, so that we can send you one card at a time over many weeks or years at great shipping expense.  Nothing is too good for our young, and now quite probably addicted fans.
      So, in closing, the new card game release is set for May 5th, 2010.  Be the first to obtain the cards and forge your new status as a schoolyard Festivian Battlerager!

"Wow, the rare platinum encrusted Orc-Warcrusher 1000 attack card, and on my first pack! Wait'll I tell the guys!"  - Excerpt from 40 year old's rant after buying his first pack of cards     

SEND IN THE DWARVES

The dwarven race has always been a huge staple in the fantasy literature genre.  They have been such a staple, that even the largest and most efficient staple remover could never pry them from the genre.  This short, stout and bearded race enjoys mining and fighting for the right to mine.  If their name doesn't reflect the fact that they're a miner, then they just aren't a dwarf.  Names like Shaleshovel and Flintrockslide are common enough, but pale in comparison to the names inviolving their second passion, fighting.

With surnames like; skull-splitter, orc-cleaver, hammercrush, gutripper, dograper, lightonfire, axethroughthe head, etc. The dwarf reigns supreme in the future speed metal band's choice of names list.  The dwarf frequently spends his entire life with a horned helmet (one horn broken), engraved armor and a huge battle-axe strapped to his back.  Dwarven sex usually involves a long period of foreplay where both parties spend massive amounts of time removing armor and weapons.  They usually give up, and that's why dwarves only usually have one offspring in a single 800 year lifetime.

Dwarves always speak in some sort of scottish or irish accent and say "Lad" a lot, even to females they meet throughout an adventure.  They usually like to drink ale or mead and frequently fight after doing so, or mine for precious gems after they get a buzz going.  Dwarves can outdrink any race, including the irish, and can keep their heads in combat, even while the rest of the party is being beheaded.

The most common aspect of dwarven society is their beards.  They are the only race that has beards with 100% of the male population and 98% of the female population, the other 2% being some sort of he/she hybrid which is usually thrown from the nearest mountaintop.  Their beards are notorious for holding bird's nests, dribbled alcoholic beverages, spittle, tobacco residue, burrs, insects, bottles of alcoholic beverages, 

and japanese soldiers who don't know the war is over.

Some of the most famous dwarves are the ones from Snow White; Sleepy, Sleazy, Dopehead, Sneezy, Dork, Frumpy, and Happy.  Some others are Gimlet, from Lord of the Rings, Danny DeVito, the ones from that reality show that have normal size kids, and any chick under 5 feet. 

Dwarves in our game dwell in a huge underground city called, Thundermine.  They have thousands living in hovels carved into the cave walls and hoist water up in pails on ropes from a huge underground river called Thunderiver.  Here, they have frequent get-togethers known as Thunderparties, where they drink until they pass out, or stumble into a bottomless pit called, Thunderpit.

Their king, Burp Splitskuller, is their greatest warrior.  He has seen hundreds of campaigns against enemies like the orcs or the elves, and in an act of drunken stubbornness, the dwarves! His legendary axe "Cleavon Little" has helped him to maintain superiority for centuries.  Nobody has had the courage to challenge him for authority, even when the majority of the population is sober.

So, when choosing a dwarven character, your choices are; fighter, warrior and brawler.  Theire are no magic based dwarven characters, nor are their any professions other than mining (except for the brewing profession). Remember, to make him look cool.  I suggest the one horned helmet and the ornate armor with the matching battle-axe.  If you don't like that, don't pick a dwarf.

"By the Power of Caved-in Skull" - King Burp Splitskuller raises his axe to the sky, expecting a lightning bolt to strike him, but nothing happens.